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A woman on the edge, well not really on the edge, just feels that way sometimes. I have been on the edge before so I know I am not there anymore. Thank God I am a mother of two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. They are my world, my moon, my stars my everything I thank God everyday for the blessing in my life. A wife to a man, who I don't believe has ever loved me and if he did he certainly doesn’t anymore, However, I am very thankful I no longer love him. So that is me trapped, in a loveless marriage, trying to plan an escape route. Hoping to save the money and to find courage and strength from sharing rather than keeping it to myself.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Small Atom Bomb


Well I decided that my next entry was going to be a positive one about my little girl’s first performance on stage, (I can be positive; I know it is just not coming across).

She was fabulous, she was a real star and I don’t mind telling you I didn’t think she would be that good, but I was so impressed I thought I would combust with pride. We went to see her as a family, the first thing we have done as a family for awhile and her brother thought she was fab too, and my 7 year old boy isn’t easy to please and he said he would give her 3 stars (high praise). Daddy too was pleased and he made a big show of making sure our baby knew how proud he was. Friday was a good night a really good night. She performed on Sunday too, but I didn’t watch the repeat performance but she was please with herself, I don’t remember being that brave at 5 years old.

However, then the Jubilee weekend went downhill from there.

This is what happens when you bottle things up and try and keep quiet, at least this is what happens to me. You don’t need to speak your mind all the time, but it is never a good idea to keep it all stored up, I'm sure it is not healthy either, but I try and remind myself to make an effort for the children.

Saturday night, Sunday night Monday night, my husband went out and slept all day in the day. It has rained non-stop and my poor children have been wonderful but have had no family time since Friday, as daddy has slept all day or being in the process of going out. As much as my husband and I don’t see eye to eye I think every effort should be made for the children.
Sunday night he went out without even a goodbye, the children were still awake and very much aware of Daddy walking out. He then came back after they went to bed. So I couldn’t hold my peace and asked if he felt that was the way to behave in front of the children, things then escalated and I asked him, why are you still here, I don’t want you here you don’t want to be here. I got nothing in response he just went back out again. Me, I cried myself to sleep, feeling a fool.

Today, he takes my car and once again disappears, I had plans, but oh no he has gone with my flaming car, so yes I sat and flumed until his return. I tried to be calm but I just couldn’t do it. I sent the kids outside in coats and proceeded to explode like a small atom bomb. I have no real idea of what I said, but I know I begged him to leave, told him if he didn’t I would have to go and this madness was damaging for the children. He then said he wouldn’t leave his house unless I paid him, which made me worse. I told him I had done my research and I could get my name taken of the deed , so I said fine you can have the house the bills the lot I will move away with our children ( I have no clue if what I said is true), I went on about checking out getting a quickie divorce on line. At that point he seemed to get it. Or at least for a while at least, when I saw that he seemed to be paying attention I calmed down and offered to help him find somewhere and pay the first month’s rent. Fool I know but anything to end this torture. He said ok, I almost fell over; I was so pleased I started talking total rubbish about timelines and other such nonsense. Then we started to talk to each other, as in talking like normal people talk, we talked about how we needed to learn to be friends for the sake of the children and I agreed I would never keep him from his children. We agreed it was for the best and needed and then he went out again (don’t ask me where he is going, I don’t know, I don’t care).  

I then start getting stupid text messages about, how much he will miss me and how hard I will find everything. After the 3rd text message I respond with, yes I will miss you being there for the children but none of us are happy and while I will cry for a long time, sooner or later the tears will stop and I will be happy again.

I have no idea what is going on, I am not sure what he is thinking and we are just not used to talking to each other and I don’t think either of us know how to do it. He says I talk in a way that provokes him and I feel much the same way about him. So I’m still in limbo, just a bit less of it.

I feel better in a way as I feel it’s all there, he cannot seriously just think it’s all talk any more, but as for what happens next and when I am still none the wiser.

It has been a very odd weekend, no more jubilees please. God Save the Queen.

2 comments:

  1. Well done you for standing up to him! That must have been hard.Don't lose momentum though and don't get sucked into the 'I'll miss you' stuff.You can do this. Sarah x

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  2. Hello.Are you ok? Not heard from you in ages and am worried. Don't want to be nosy, but hope all is ok. x

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