About Me

My Photo
A woman on the edge, well not really on the edge, just feels that way sometimes. I have been on the edge before so I know I am not there anymore. Thank God I am a mother of two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. They are my world, my moon, my stars my everything I thank God everyday for the blessing in my life. A wife to a man, who I don't believe has ever loved me and if he did he certainly doesn’t anymore, However, I am very thankful I no longer love him. So that is me trapped, in a loveless marriage, trying to plan an escape route. Hoping to save the money and to find courage and strength from sharing rather than keeping it to myself.

Monday, 21 May 2012

A little bit of truth


I have finally told a friend

It was strange , we were just talking and then she asked all the right questions and for once I didn’t feel like lying, so I told her.

Not in lots of detail, but I told her more than I have told anyone else. I told her how unhappy I was, how home life bar the children was just horrendous, no sex, no warmth, no affection. I even told her about the miscarriage that happened before my eldest was born, the miscarriage that had been caused by a beating he gave me. That was the second time he beat me, but it was the last. I don’t know if that was because I fought back like a hell cat, called the police or because I miscarried the child that neither of us knew I was carrying ? Who knows, I never knew why he beat me, so I have no idea why he stopped.

She cannot understand why I stayed so long, but she didn’t judge me, at least I didn’t feel judged, I judge myself enough, I guess no one else gets a look in, I hold myself in such low esteem. She like me cannot understand why he won’t leave, she understands that is why I need to hide money away to leave, she was very helpful offered to buy me a fridge when I do go. Not sure if that is just because I was crying and listing all the things that I would need and being ever practical I started crying about fridges. (Yes I know I am a total nutter, but these are the things I think about).

She suggested that when I have enough money together rather than move out, I find him somewhere, for him and his son and pay a few months rent. Which I hadn’t even considered and it isn’t a bad plan.  Only I now hate this house and the memories it contains, but it would be much better for the children to be here and me to find away to pay the mortgage. I have checked rents on 3 bedroom houses and it isn’t that much cheaper than the mortgage.
In talking to her I suddenly felt like an abused wife. I don’t really think I am one. But I started to feel as I gave her details here and there, that this was a ridiculous situation to be in, why the hell was I in it and why had I stayed in it? I realise I am not who I was 11 years ago when we got married, I don’t smile as easily and my confidence has gone. Memories came back of him telling me I looked a mess when I was pregnant and that I needed to make more of an effort. He was right as it goes, but when baby is sitting on your sciatic nerve from month 3 of the pregnancy and you don’t have morning sickness but all day sickness up until the week before you give birth, looking good just isn’t a priority. 

As I spoke to my friend I just felt a total victim.
Then Florence The Machine came in my head Shake it Out. The song feels like my theme tune and always has me crying. 

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way,

I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
All of his questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

I also realised it wasn’t me, I am not a victim. Being in a bad marriage doesn’t make you a victim, so I will not wear victim clothing and I need to stop playing the victim. I also realised I have made many mistakes, countless. If I was married to me, would I still love me? I am far from faultless. No I never earned a beating, but there may be plenty of the toxic parts of this relationship that I am deserving of. 


That old BT advert is right, it is indeed good to talk

5 comments:

  1. I am glad you talked to someone. Talking really helps.I am sure you have thought of this, but is there anywhere else you can go? Parents? Siblings? Somewhere as a temporary stop gap?
    You might not like me saying this, but someone who has been beaten and has lost a baby and who has to save secretly to escape, whose husband refuses to leave and behaves like yours ... well that someone sounds like someone who is being abused, an abused wife.
    I am glad you don't consider yourself a victim - more power to you. But your scenario, to someone who admittedly doesn't know all the facts, sounds like that of an abused wife.
    Have you considered speaking to either your GP or a women's refuge/charity?
    I really don't mean to upset you and I hope I haven't overstepped the mark here, but your situation sounds awful and nobody deserves to be treated like this.
    Take care of yourself.
    Sarah
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sarah,
      Thanks for your kind words, there is no need to say sorry about your opinion or thoughts. To be honest I know where you are coming from and I know that on paper or screen it looks even worse. If the table were turned I would be offering the same advice.
      I have no excuses or reason for what happened a 8 years ago now, but thank fully it was 8 years ago, but human nature dictates that because I knew why it happened, the fear the fear and worry under the surface will mean that my current plans and movements could create a perfect storm, where it all happens again.
      My parents are not really available, my father is doing his tough love thing (useless man more concerned with new life and family) and my mother lives far away and siblings are far away and we have no real relationship.
      Sarah I know while the relationship is no longer physically abusive, it is very much toxic and to that extent it is mentally and emotionally abusive. It is very hard not allowing the children to see or experience it and while they are young and their emotional intelligence isn’t totally tuned in I know they are unaware of it, it is also why it is important for me to make some sort of move before they become aware of the nature of our relationship.
      You have in no way over stepped the mark and I welcome your thoughts and concerns.

      Delete
  2. Thank you for replying. I'm glad you didn't feel hurt by my comments. I have been thinking about you a lot. I spoke about you to a friend of mine who used to work in a women's shelter. Obviously I don't know where in the country you are, but she said that when she worked in the shelter they had outreach workers who would speak to women in all sorts of situations. They were there to offer practical advice and emotional support.
    She said she could find out more if you wanted. In the meantime I found a site that looked helpful. I am not trying to imply that you are a victim or anything like that. But you are in a really difficult situation and its a situation you are fighting to get out of. You are being amazingly strong and I admire your guts.
    The fact that you have started this blog and spoken to your friend is a sign that you are working to get out. Maybe talking to someone at one of the charities available would help too? They would know about your rights and the help available. The one I found was

    http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

    I just hope you can get help and find happiness. You seem like a very intelligent, thoughtful woman and you deserve better.I will keep coming back. Please don't feel upset by what I've written. I just want to help. Take care. Sarah x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hello Mummy Anon,
    I have been there and have the t-shirt(sort of speaking) I went through all the mentally and emotionally abuse with my now ex, he is father to my two eldest, but I eventually packed up my belongings, pregnant with #2 and a 10 month old daughter in 2009 and fleed to a woman's shelter, got support and advice and now have moved on and now engaged to a lovely man and we now have a son of our own!
    Be strong and keep smiling and you will get through this what ever you decide to do.

    http://mumconfidential.wordpress.com/

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sounds like a real brute I too was in an abusive relationship, I had my nose broken & had teeth marks in my arm & was constantly threatened with violence. I spoke to the police & they just laughed at me. I am surprised that the doctors in the hospital who delt with ur miscarriage didnt question why u lost ur baby as there wud have been bruises all over ur face & body after a beating that u took in fact social services shud have been involved & ur husband should be on trial for manslaughter poss murder of a small child. I think i may pass this blog to the police as i think murder of child is serious, but i wish u good luck.

    ReplyDelete