I left the house…
Don’t get me wrong I leave the house every day;
I have a full-time job and two school aged children. But this time I left the
house totally and selfishly for me, no children and no pretending to be a happy
family unit. Just me and a handbag!
Amazing, well it is for me. It was nothing spectacular
just a Friday evening, dinner and the cinema with a two friends. I was home by
12.30am.
I really wanted to go, mainly because I never
go out and also because I realise how much I have cut myself off from having
real relationships with my friends and family. I hold myself totally
responsibly for this, no one else.
Oh but then I woke up feeling guilty on
Friday morning, said very little to the other half (nothing new there), but I let
him know, he had to be home as I wouldn’t be, (it is not babysitting when they
are your children and they are his children). As I got ready, just jeans and a
top, I drew very little attention to myself, but it wasn’t long before my little
lady appeared.
Child: Are you going out mum, Me:
yes later not just now,
Child: Can I come? Me: no not really shall we go
watch TV
Child: I'm coming shall I get ready, Me: no you don’t need to get ready, I’m
not going anywhere just now,
This went on for some time, with me growing
increasingly apprehensive as the interaction continued.
My usual easy going son then decided he wasn’t
well, and he looked the part, I even got the Capol out, as he decided he was
too unwell to finish his dinner.
It was at that point everything in me
screamed don't go, where are you going? Your children need you ! (Yes , yes I
know, but I never said I wasn’t prone to drama). My husband looking on silently
challenging me, of course not saying a word, so I knew I had to go, even though
at that point I didn’t feel like going anywhere anymore. I never go ‘out’ and I
never go alone, so I did.
No one cried, no one died and I had a nice
evening.
As the night went on it became clearer and
clearer to me why I don’t go out. It is very hard to interact with people and
hide yourself, your thoughts and feelings from them at the same time. When you
are with your friends you engage, you share, it is damn near impossible to act
your way through your interaction.
In case you are wondering we went for a curry
and then saw the Avengers. I very much enjoyed both and the company too.
I am also well aware I cannot afford a social
life.
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