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A woman on the edge, well not really on the edge, just feels that way sometimes. I have been on the edge before so I know I am not there anymore. Thank God I am a mother of two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. They are my world, my moon, my stars my everything I thank God everyday for the blessing in my life. A wife to a man, who I don't believe has ever loved me and if he did he certainly doesn’t anymore, However, I am very thankful I no longer love him. So that is me trapped, in a loveless marriage, trying to plan an escape route. Hoping to save the money and to find courage and strength from sharing rather than keeping it to myself.

Friday, 7 September 2012

My news

So the biggest news this summer was discovering he was cheating. This was hardly a surprise. I suspected it many times but he has always tried to convince me it was in my head, my imagination, my being paranoid. A few times he had me convinced too, but most of the time my gut always knew. I am never believe a woman doesn't know, you can just feel it, I don't think men are that good at lying they cannot have 2 women on the go and something not tell somewhere.

So I confronted him, needless to say it was all my fault (yes there is a pattern here, everything tends to be my fault). However I exploded, I didn't cry, I didn't behave like the hurt woman does, I acted like the angry I don't cry woman. I had the women's number written down and I was waving it around. He grappled me no without fear, I looked at him and said "you better make it good and leave a bruise". I've never seen such shock and the realisation must have hit him, that I cared but for all the wrong reasons, I cared about the lie, I cared because he hadn't left me and gone to her. I was, I still am really angry about it, you've gone and got yourself another woman so why the hell are you still here making my life a mystery??? I mean what is that about?

The only problem with my explosion was that the children were home. So they have heard mummy at her worse They have heard me tell him to leave, they have heard me confront him about his girl friend. So now, I have a 6 year old girl who thinks her mummy is a witch as as she put it "running her daddy out the house", she has told me, well they both have told me they don't want him to go. My 7 year old son, seems to have some understanding of what he heard, he gets daddy's don't have girl friends. Both of my children are watching their parents like hawks, every time dad goes to the toilet I get has daddy gone. So yes I am now a failed wife and a bad mum, flaming fabulous.

He has agreed to leave, but I have no timeline, I think maybe he gets it this time but I just want him gone.

Monday, 3 September 2012

It has been a long hard summer

I'm back, it has been awhile and much has happened.
Yes things have been eventful, too eventful for me to process and write about, I've had to focus on getting through.
My two darling children are well and happy enough. They are doing there job of playing being expensive and getting ready for school. My little lady has had a birthday and enjoyed her birthday immensely, trips to ToysRus and Next were what she got, pricey.

My stepson no longer lives with us as early in the summer (in fact the event that has been the catalyst for everything occurred this summer) he assaulted me one Monday morning just before the end of term while both my children and husband were in the house (no he did nothing to help and has since made it clear it was all my fault, what a shocker).
I threw all my toys out of my pram demanded that he leave or I would call the police, he left only to return the next day, when I did call the police. They informed me that as his father part owns the house I had very little rights in that way but they would remove him if I felt unsafe (yes most helpful).
However,he went, I begged his father to go with him but he didn't wish to go and said we should try again. Unwilling I agreed to this knowing I had no plans to make any efforts but planning to continue with my plan to leave.

Needless to say this didn't work out.

I has been the strangest and difficult time. But I'm still here and I'm getting through, I think

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Small Atom Bomb


Well I decided that my next entry was going to be a positive one about my little girl’s first performance on stage, (I can be positive; I know it is just not coming across).

She was fabulous, she was a real star and I don’t mind telling you I didn’t think she would be that good, but I was so impressed I thought I would combust with pride. We went to see her as a family, the first thing we have done as a family for awhile and her brother thought she was fab too, and my 7 year old boy isn’t easy to please and he said he would give her 3 stars (high praise). Daddy too was pleased and he made a big show of making sure our baby knew how proud he was. Friday was a good night a really good night. She performed on Sunday too, but I didn’t watch the repeat performance but she was please with herself, I don’t remember being that brave at 5 years old.

However, then the Jubilee weekend went downhill from there.

This is what happens when you bottle things up and try and keep quiet, at least this is what happens to me. You don’t need to speak your mind all the time, but it is never a good idea to keep it all stored up, I'm sure it is not healthy either, but I try and remind myself to make an effort for the children.

Saturday night, Sunday night Monday night, my husband went out and slept all day in the day. It has rained non-stop and my poor children have been wonderful but have had no family time since Friday, as daddy has slept all day or being in the process of going out. As much as my husband and I don’t see eye to eye I think every effort should be made for the children.
Sunday night he went out without even a goodbye, the children were still awake and very much aware of Daddy walking out. He then came back after they went to bed. So I couldn’t hold my peace and asked if he felt that was the way to behave in front of the children, things then escalated and I asked him, why are you still here, I don’t want you here you don’t want to be here. I got nothing in response he just went back out again. Me, I cried myself to sleep, feeling a fool.

Today, he takes my car and once again disappears, I had plans, but oh no he has gone with my flaming car, so yes I sat and flumed until his return. I tried to be calm but I just couldn’t do it. I sent the kids outside in coats and proceeded to explode like a small atom bomb. I have no real idea of what I said, but I know I begged him to leave, told him if he didn’t I would have to go and this madness was damaging for the children. He then said he wouldn’t leave his house unless I paid him, which made me worse. I told him I had done my research and I could get my name taken of the deed , so I said fine you can have the house the bills the lot I will move away with our children ( I have no clue if what I said is true), I went on about checking out getting a quickie divorce on line. At that point he seemed to get it. Or at least for a while at least, when I saw that he seemed to be paying attention I calmed down and offered to help him find somewhere and pay the first month’s rent. Fool I know but anything to end this torture. He said ok, I almost fell over; I was so pleased I started talking total rubbish about timelines and other such nonsense. Then we started to talk to each other, as in talking like normal people talk, we talked about how we needed to learn to be friends for the sake of the children and I agreed I would never keep him from his children. We agreed it was for the best and needed and then he went out again (don’t ask me where he is going, I don’t know, I don’t care).  

I then start getting stupid text messages about, how much he will miss me and how hard I will find everything. After the 3rd text message I respond with, yes I will miss you being there for the children but none of us are happy and while I will cry for a long time, sooner or later the tears will stop and I will be happy again.

I have no idea what is going on, I am not sure what he is thinking and we are just not used to talking to each other and I don’t think either of us know how to do it. He says I talk in a way that provokes him and I feel much the same way about him. So I’m still in limbo, just a bit less of it.

I feel better in a way as I feel it’s all there, he cannot seriously just think it’s all talk any more, but as for what happens next and when I am still none the wiser.

It has been a very odd weekend, no more jubilees please. God Save the Queen.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Happy Wedding Anniversary


Well today is my 11th anniversary. The children are in bed, and I'm sitting on mine. It has been a funny old day.

I was woken up this morning by my daughter getting into bed with us. She still does this quite regularly; (at 5 years old should I be seeing this as a problem? Well even if I should, I don't). Shortly after that, my husband disappeared from the house. I did think this was strange at the time, but it didn't really concern me. I remained upstairs watching television with the children trying to have a lie-in (ooh I remember those); I didn't pay much attention to the various noises and smells  that seem to be coming from downstairs. However, soon after appeared tray with a full English breakfast for me. Well it was a good job I was sitting on the bed or I think I may have fallen over. Flabbergasted I think it's the word. I'm pretty sure my face said that to. Breakfast in bed for me? What for? It's just an ordinary day right?
Shortly after that appeared a bottle of wine for me to enjoy later, yet more shock. I think by now the bit of horror was also creeping in, at the back of my head I'm thinking ‘he better not expect anything from me’.


So I'm doing a lot of thinking this morning and I’m constantly wondering, ‘what is going on? Is he making an effort? Why is he making an effort now? Should I be making an effort? I don’t want to make an effort, maybe I should get him some socks.’

This all happened before 10 AM, I was seriously conflict it and it wasn't even midday. So usually when he would've been getting ready for work on a Saturday I noticed no movement, so I asked, aren't you going to work, the reply was no. Yet more shock and more horror touched with dread! So I go upstairs to have 5 min to myself, really wondering he's decided to make an effort why now? I head back downstairs and he's watching Formula One and I can't help but think, he's staying home has nothing to do with me it's more to do with Formula One.

So I go about my days normal, kids activities, shopping, washing loads of ironing and it around 3PM he disappears and as I see him again until after 6 this is normal I'm not used to having him around. I'm used to not having him around; truthfully I'm happier when he's not around.

He asked me a few random questions that make it clear to me he plans a night out. I'm not surprised by this in fact it brings a smile to my face. On his way out he says ‘I will be back in a bit’, I replied ‘I'll see you in the morning’. His reply ‘I shouldn't be too long I want to watch the boxing’. How did I not burst out laughing I will never know, but I did smile.

So there you go it's my 11th wedding anniversary no, it's our 11th wedding anniversary and I'm home alone with my kids and I couldn't be happier.
The children and I have had a lovely day sun, ice lollies (that they insist I open regardless of how busy I am) and playing it's been a good day.
I thought today I would cry, I thought they be lots of tears, navel gazing, and gnashing of teeth however, I’ve smiled, I've laughed and played. The world still turning and am okay.

Today everything feels achievable, today I feel hopeful. I hope it last.

Oh yes, there have been absolutely no tears.

Monday, 21 May 2012

A little bit of truth


I have finally told a friend

It was strange , we were just talking and then she asked all the right questions and for once I didn’t feel like lying, so I told her.

Not in lots of detail, but I told her more than I have told anyone else. I told her how unhappy I was, how home life bar the children was just horrendous, no sex, no warmth, no affection. I even told her about the miscarriage that happened before my eldest was born, the miscarriage that had been caused by a beating he gave me. That was the second time he beat me, but it was the last. I don’t know if that was because I fought back like a hell cat, called the police or because I miscarried the child that neither of us knew I was carrying ? Who knows, I never knew why he beat me, so I have no idea why he stopped.

She cannot understand why I stayed so long, but she didn’t judge me, at least I didn’t feel judged, I judge myself enough, I guess no one else gets a look in, I hold myself in such low esteem. She like me cannot understand why he won’t leave, she understands that is why I need to hide money away to leave, she was very helpful offered to buy me a fridge when I do go. Not sure if that is just because I was crying and listing all the things that I would need and being ever practical I started crying about fridges. (Yes I know I am a total nutter, but these are the things I think about).

She suggested that when I have enough money together rather than move out, I find him somewhere, for him and his son and pay a few months rent. Which I hadn’t even considered and it isn’t a bad plan.  Only I now hate this house and the memories it contains, but it would be much better for the children to be here and me to find away to pay the mortgage. I have checked rents on 3 bedroom houses and it isn’t that much cheaper than the mortgage.
In talking to her I suddenly felt like an abused wife. I don’t really think I am one. But I started to feel as I gave her details here and there, that this was a ridiculous situation to be in, why the hell was I in it and why had I stayed in it? I realise I am not who I was 11 years ago when we got married, I don’t smile as easily and my confidence has gone. Memories came back of him telling me I looked a mess when I was pregnant and that I needed to make more of an effort. He was right as it goes, but when baby is sitting on your sciatic nerve from month 3 of the pregnancy and you don’t have morning sickness but all day sickness up until the week before you give birth, looking good just isn’t a priority. 

As I spoke to my friend I just felt a total victim.
Then Florence The Machine came in my head Shake it Out. The song feels like my theme tune and always has me crying. 

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way,

I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
All of his questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

I also realised it wasn’t me, I am not a victim. Being in a bad marriage doesn’t make you a victim, so I will not wear victim clothing and I need to stop playing the victim. I also realised I have made many mistakes, countless. If I was married to me, would I still love me? I am far from faultless. No I never earned a beating, but there may be plenty of the toxic parts of this relationship that I am deserving of. 


That old BT advert is right, it is indeed good to talk

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Going out


I left the house…

Don’t get me wrong I leave the house every day; I have a full-time job and two school aged children. But this time I left the house totally and selfishly for me, no children and no pretending to be a happy family unit. Just me and a handbag!

Amazing, well it is for me. It was nothing spectacular just a Friday evening, dinner and the cinema with a two friends. I was home by 12.30am.
I really wanted to go, mainly because I never go out and also because I realise how much I have cut myself off from having real relationships with my friends and family. I hold myself totally responsibly for this, no one else.
Oh but then I woke up feeling guilty on Friday morning, said very little to the other half (nothing new there), but I let him know, he had to be home as I wouldn’t be, (it is not babysitting when they are your children and they are his children). As I got ready, just jeans and a top, I drew very little attention to myself, but it wasn’t long before my little lady appeared.

Child: Are you going out mum,         Me: yes later not just now,
Child: Can I come?                          Me: no not really shall we go watch TV
Child: I'm coming shall I get ready,   Me: no you don’t need to get ready, I’m not going anywhere just now,

This went on for some time, with me growing increasingly apprehensive as the interaction continued.
My usual easy going son then decided he wasn’t well, and he looked the part, I even got the Capol out, as he decided he was too unwell to finish his dinner.

It was at that point everything in me screamed don't go, where are you going? Your children need you ! (Yes , yes I know, but I never said I wasn’t prone to drama). My husband looking on silently challenging me, of course not saying a word, so I knew I had to go, even though at that point I didn’t feel like going anywhere anymore. I never go ‘out’ and I never go alone, so I did.
No one cried, no one died and I had a nice evening.

As the night went on it became clearer and clearer to me why I don’t go out. It is very hard to interact with people and hide yourself, your thoughts and feelings from them at the same time. When you are with your friends you engage, you share, it is damn near impossible to act your way through your interaction.

In case you are wondering we went for a curry and then saw the Avengers. I very much enjoyed both and the company too.

I am also well aware I cannot afford a social life.


Tuesday, 15 May 2012

On Hold


I am so lost at the moment. It feels like my life is on hold and I am waiting for it to start, but I don’t want to wait, I want my life to start now, today. I want everything to happen, NOW, TODAY. All this planning waiting it isn’t really a part of my character at all.

Today, my husband and I have exchanged less than 10 words to each other, less than 10 words, when we are weeks away from our 11th anniversary, what a joke, only no one is laughing and I appear to be the punch-line.

I am so flaming lonely. I could handle being alone if I was alone, but I have someone  who I share a bed with who I cannot communicate with, who refuses to communicate with me, who I no longer wish to communicate with either. Ahhhhh! I could scream, but I would probably never stop, just end up as an endless screaming hysterical woman.

I have ended up isolating myself from my friends and family as I do not want them to know about the state of things, so it is easier to say nothing at all than to say something. So I keep things light and superficial. Of course they know there is a problem, but I guess there is only so many times you can hear your friend cry about the same thing and not want to shake her and tell her to get a clue (I know that is the point I would be at if the tables were turned). I get it, I understand really I do. I just do not feel like I can talk to anyone. I feel a fool, I feel to talk about it to people I know advertises the fact I am, I have been and I continue to be a fool.

I also for my sins have managed to end up with some random guy I used to work with fishing around, calling me and sending me text, telling me how much he cares, bog off. The last thing I need is a man, and a man who is interested in a married woman couldn’t be really that much of an upgrade from the whole I am currently in.

I am annoyed with myself too, because in with all this loneliness, anxiety and anger I have this plan in my head. Save your money, keep your mouth shut, it will all be over soon………….But at the same time I am wondering, are you sure, wouldn’t it be better to stay, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, do you really want to end up alone, what about the children, what if you make all your lives worse.

Yes I could give an endless scream, a never ending noise that resonates from my toes right through my being up perforating every follicle of my hair.